Tuesday, May 22, 2007

It was supposed to be about my sister…

Prologue

I spent this past weekend in Rhode Island where my sister graduated from URI. Saturday was uneventful; we arrived, shopped, had dinner, walked along the beach and pooped out way too early.


Act I: The Fight

Sunday was the actual graduation. We got there early to get good seats and succeeded. The ceremony was filled with people jumping in front of others to get pictures of their kids, which is understandable.

Right before my sister was about to walk, some woman jumped in front of my seat and stood with her huge buttocks in my face. I waited until the last possible second, and then jumped up to get in front of her to get a picture of my sister. That’s when the Big-Bummed-Woman (BBW) started yelling at me:

BBW: “Come on, I can’t see!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I had to move because you were standing RIGHT in front of me.”

BBW: “I was not, you’re full of it!”

Mom: “ACTUALLY, you were, she was sitting right here.” (Pointing at chair practically underneath BBW.)

At this point everyone within a 20 foot radius was watching us, not the ceremony. I crouched down so as not to block the views of others until I had to snap the pictures of my sister. WHILE I was taking said pictures, BBW started again…

BBW: “COME ON, this is ridiculous!”

Me: “You’re not the only one here with a child graduating, you know.”

Crowd: Cheers

BBW turned and walked away as I returned to my seat where my mother grabbed my arm.

Mom: “No fights, Kara, no fights, calm down, no fights please.”

Me: “What? I’m fine; I’m not going to fight that moron.”

Cousin: “I thought you were going to run her down when she called you a bitch!”

Me: “Um, WHAT? When did she call me a bitch?”

Mom: “When she was walking away, that’s why I grabbed your arm; I thought you were going to hit her…”

Me: “Well I would’ve hit her if I had heard that!”

My Husband: “Oh Jesus…”

Later in the Ladies Room a woman commented to my mother that she saw the whole thing, and that, “Some people are real pips.” We saw BBW on the way out where she was chain smoking and yelling at an elderly woman. I just smiled and waved at her and wished her a lovely afternoon. Yes, I’m evil.

Act II: The Drinking

Disclaimer: I rarely drink causing me to have a VERY low tolerance and to get sick frequently.

The night is mostly a blur, but it contains the following: Me mixing drinks for us; 45 minutes on YouTube watching ‘80’s cartoon intros (Thunder, THUNDER, THUNDERCATS!!!); a brief dance party and a video of me bringing sexy back (no, I’m not posting that); a fashion show; shots at the bar; texting pictures of someone’s boobs; peeing a LOT; drunk dialing Porter and Kolby repeatedly (sorry, guys); introducing my sister to the pizza guys, Mike & Steve; playing Pac-Man; another brief dance party; stepping on my sister’s laptop and cracking her screen; slipping and twisting my ankle; attempting to take out my contacts, failing and ending up with my sister’s finger in my eye; and throwing up a few times before passing out.

I woke up Monday morning with a very sore ankle (which is still bruised and causing me to limp) and a VERY weak stomach. On the night that I should’ve been babysitting my drunk sister, she ended up babysitting drunk me. Now I owe her a new laptop screen and a kick-ass graduation party where I will be getting her wasted, and abstaining from the drink myself.

Epilogue

I know people say this all the time, but I’m never drinking again. Ever. Seriously. Now please excuse me, I have to go ice my ankle.

3 comments:

Kate said...

Only you, Kara, only you. :)

erin said...

O my o my this was possibly the best weekend ever! Thank you!!!!!!

Porter said...

**YOU HAVE 7 NEW VOICEMAIL MESSAGES**

**BEEP**

"You never answer the phone anymore"

"You know I'm fun when I'm drunk!"

"I'm drunk and you're not answering"

"But I'm drunk. Where are you? It better be a crisis that you're not answering"

"Pooooorrrrttteerrrrr"

:)