Hating The Player

Her Fearful Symmetry, by Audrey Niffenegger (Cannonball Read - Book One)

2009-12-14T15:40:00.004-05:00

Each and every one of us must deal with loss at some point in our life. Whether it is the loss of a love or a life, we are forever affected. Sometimes, the ache is so complete, the attachment so deep, that we are willing to do almost anything to fill that void.

Audrey Niffenegger’s second novel, Her Fearful Symmetry, is a story about deep loss and deeper obsession, and about the dark pathways we are sometimes willing to tread in order to recapture lost love. The story revolves around twin sisters, Julia and Valentina, who inherit a recently deceased aunt’s entire estate, including her London apartment. The aunt, Elspeth, was the girls’ mother’s twin, and the younger twins have in common with the older sisters their physical features and their especially intense emotional connection.

The girls are confused but excited by their inheritance, since they did not know their aunt, and their mother, Edie, never spoke of Elspeth since they stopped communicating shortly after the twins’ birth. Their interest grows once they learn that their aunt’s will stipulates that they must live in her apartment for one full year before selling it, and that their parents are forbidden from entering the flat during that time period. The “older” twin (by six minutes), Julia, decides for her frail and meek sister that they will most certainly be moving to London to take advantage of the opportunity their late aunt has bestowed upon them, since living with their parents for the rest of their lives is not an attractive option.

Once in London, the girls set about learning the city, eventually meeting and befriending the neighbors that share the building they live in – Robert, their late aunt’s lover and the executor of her estate, and Martin, a shut-in with severe OCD whose wife recently left him for a new life in Amsterdam – as well as Elspeth, whose ghost is trapped in her old apartment and who spends her days seeking ways to communicate with the girls and Robert. Julia grows close to Martin, whom she views as a sort of project, and she attempts to help him overcome his disorder so he may be reunited with his estranged wife. Valentina finds herself drawn to Robert, who continues to suffer deep sadness at the loss of Elspeth, even a year after her death. Valentina also forms a bond with Elspeth’s ghost, since she is the only one who can actually see Elspeth, and spends hours at a time having conversations with her deceased aunt, with the help of a Ouija Board and the seal from a milk jug. These relationships, along with the apartment building’s proximity to a famous cemetery, and even the seasons as they play out against the backdrop of London, affect the twins and their own relationship, and alter the course of their lives in ways for which they could never have imagined or prepared themselves.

Based on my affection for Niffenegger’s first novel, The Time Traveler’s Wife, I had exceedingly high hopes for Her Fearful Symmetry. Once again, the author’s writing is captivating, and she paints a picture of London, the cemetery next to the twins’ apartment, and even the clothing worn by the twins themselves, which is so clear and colorful that even now I can close my eyes and picture it all as if I were seeing it myself. The story is an original one, the characters well-developed and the relationships authentic, but I admit I found myself a bit bored by the end of the book. I appreciated the story that was being told, and admired the beautiful language of the author, but I never became so invested in the book that I felt the excitement, fear or contempt that I know I should have at different points of the tale. It’s possible that after loving a book so well, as I did The Time Traveler’s Wife, that I felt a bit of a letdown with Her Fearful Symmetry.

Despite my own lackluster sentiments toward the book, I would still recommend it. The writing is so lovely and the story is indeed entertaining, and while I never fell in love with it, I enjoyed it and look forward to Audrey Niffenegger’s next offering.

I is a Crazy Beetch, or, Kolby Joins the Cannonball Read

2009-10-21T08:34:00.005-05:00

I gave up blogging about a year ago in favor of Mamahood and insanity, but I'm back. Not better than ever or anything, but on a mission. I've gone and joined the second installment of Pajiba's Cannonball Read, and I'm committed to reading 52 books in one year and blogging about what I've read and whether or not it was worth the naptime I gave up to read it. Starts November 1st. Oy.

Unfortunately, Parents magazine and the lunch menu at my son's day care do not count. Unfair!

MacCauley Culkin made it look so easy...

2008-09-18T19:11:00.000-05:00

So, I'm home alone. Mr. Kolby, who works for the Red Cross, was deployed last Thursday to Texas in preparation for Hurricane Ike. He'll be down there until next Thursday helping with the recovery effort. It's the longest we've ever been apart since we moved in together seven and a half years ago. I hate being without him.

I'm really proud of him and the work he does - he's actually helping people, and I know that he's making a difference. I'm just a giant baby, with a not-so-giant baby floating about in my belly, so I'm especially lonely right now. If it weren't for the ratties, I doubt I'd be sleeping at all. They're laying on and around me as I type this, and we're all sitting in the living room, surrounded by boxes that have yet to be unpacked, and, because I'm rather hefty these days and don't feel like making the exhausting effort required to get out of the recliner, we seem to be watching "America's Got Talent." Apparently this show is hosted by Jerry Springer. I don't know why, but this fact puzzles me more than David Hasselhoff's cheekbones or the lispy four-year old who seems to have made it pretty damn far in the competition. OK, that's it. I can't watch this garbage. I'm getting up if it kills me.

And the award for Worst Blogger, like, EVER, goes to...

2008-08-12T19:52:00.004-05:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You don't have to say it. I'm a shitty blogger. I can't believe it's been since late April since I've even looked at this place, and I've had so much going on that I barely noticed. It's not that I don't have anything on my mind, or that I'm not feeling inspired - I think it's more that I've been channeling my energy into this pregnancy (just entering the third trimester this week) and my brain has little room for much else.

So, anyway - what else is new? So much has been happening, it's all a blur. Besides adding to our family, Mr. Kolby and I bought a townhouse outside of the city - we close next week and move soon after - and Mr. Kolby started a new job. He's still with the Red Cross, but now he's the Disaster Liasion for New York State. Whenever something terrible happens, he's got to be there, and I'm so proud of how dedicated he is to helping other people and keeping them as safe as he keeps our family. We can't wait to move and start a brand new chapter in our lives!

And can we discuss just how damn expensive it is to have a baby? I mean, having the baby doesn't really cost anything - but all the crap you need once it's time to bring him home? Holy shit - no wonder people put this off as long as they do. We started a couple of baby registries, and we've got well over a hundred items on them - and we're putting off on picking out some things until we move. And the stores know you need this garbage, so they charge two arms and a leg for it all. And they can, because we all buy it. All I know is this: we're going to be kissing some serious familial ass for the next three months. Anything for a fucking stroller/carseat combo.

And Baby Makes Three (or Five if You Count the Dogs)

2008-04-27T20:02:00.003-05:00

Well, it looks like I'll be able to check off at least one accomplishment on my list of things to do in my 30th year! Mr. Kolby and I have been harboring a bit of a secret for the past three months, and it's such a relief to finally be able to say: I'm pregnant. 12 weeks pregnant, to be exact. We found out about two weeks after my birthday, and it's been a roller coaster ever since. You know, no one ever tells you just how frightening and nervewracking the first few weeks of pregnancy can be. I mean, you spend months and months trying to get pregnant, all the while thinking that once you see those little pink lines on the pregnancy test, everything will be sunshine and happiness. Not true. The first twelve weeks are damn scary - so much can go wrong, and while it's relatively rare for anything bad to actually happen, the thought is always in the back of your mind. So, now that we've cleared the first trimester hurdle, we're feeling more relaxed and excited about the next six months.

There is so much more to say, and I'll be updating the blog regularly, but right now I'm exhausted and scatterbrained and I have to pee....

Nothing to See Here...

2008-04-22T20:10:00.003-05:00

Well, it's been a while, and I still don't have much to post because my mind has been completely preoccupied with what's going on in my little life lately. I'll be back next week with all the details, but until then, here's what I threw together for dinner tonight. It was so good and I ate entirely too much. Please share in my gluttony, won't you?

Kolby's No-Name Pasta

1 lb Farfalle Pasta
1 pint heavy cream
1 cup grated parmagiano
1 15 ounce can of diced tomatoes, juice included
garlic powder, onion powder, salt & pepper to taste
chopped fresh parsley

While pasta is cooking (al dente please, none of that gummy, pasty shit allowed), heat cream in large skillet, adding spices and cheese after warmed. Stir grated cheese into cream until smooth. Add tomatoes and their juice. Heat through, stirring constantly. Stir in parsley and toss cooked pasta into sauce, stirring to coat evenly. Serve & enjoy!

*Try not to eat too much of this. Pasta tends to expand in the stomach, and I don't want to be responsible for any unnecessary trauma.

You Are What You Eat (And You Smell Like It Too)

2008-02-29T20:27:00.008-05:00

Is it possible to O.D. on canned tuna? I'm asking because I have this co-worker who eats three to four cans of tuna, sometimes mixed with a bowl of white rice, over the course of one workday. Every day. He also ingests protein shakes and various vitamin supplements (dude, he, like, works out), but it's the massive amounts of tuna that make me want to vomit. He opens these cans and the odor is sent wafting out of our little office kitchen and over the walls of our cramped grey pens. Three to four times a day. How healthy can this possibly be for my co-worker, who will hereafter be referred to as Chickenlegs of the Sea? I swear, this guy must have gallons of mercury coursing through his veins.

In my mind, I'm convinced that his skeleton is coated in metal, kind of like Wolverine but without the strength, snark and sex appeal.

Two Recipes, Both Heart-Stranglingly Delicious

2008-02-21T20:13:00.006-05:00

The possibility of a Pajiba Scrabble Sex Orgy in the near future has got me thinking - what kind of appetizers would naked nerds enjoy?

Here are two of my favorites:

Spicy Sausage Dip

1 package (tube?) Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage (I told you they'd be heart-strangling)
1 package cream cheese
1 can Ro-tel diced tomatoes with green chilies

Brown sausage in large skillet. Add cream cheese and melt, then add Ro-tel. Blend ingredients and heat through. Serve with tortilla or corn chips.

Sweet and Satisfying Spread

1 log of goat's cheese
1/2 cup craisins
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/4 -1/2 cup caramel sauce, warmed
1 baguette, sliced

Place cheese on large serving platter. Drizzle warmed caramel sauce over cheese, then sprinkle with nuts and craisins. Spread on baguette slices. Eat more than you planned because it's just that fucking scrumptious.

Fat Ass Vs. Lazy Ass

2008-02-21T11:20:00.008-05:00

Do I go home and eat leftover homemade gnocchi & meatballs (thanks Mom & Grandma!), or do I order in from the deli up the street with my coworkers? Going home would give me the opportunity to walk the dogs and save money. But ordering in allows me to sit at my desk and Pajiba all day.

This is a tough one.

Just Me and My Conan

2008-02-21T01:22:00.004-05:00

I can't sleep. At all. I don't even feel all that tired, so, let's recap the evening, shall we?

The hubs and I drove to the mall to assist the fabulous Ms. Kara in her quest to find the perfect outfit for a drag show she'll be attending this weekend. I learned two things while waiting for Kara to emerge from the dressing room: 1) drag queens must be quite picky about what the audience wears to their shows, and 2) Kara's legs are way too long. I'm actually not sure we can be friends anymore after seeing her in the mini-dress she ended up with.

After saying adieu to my friend, Mr. Kolby and I decided to head to Fuddrucker's for a burger (yes, I am aware that Fuddrucker's is not a Japanese steakhouse, which is where we were supposed to go - just bear with me). Fuddrucker's was insanely busy. On a Wednesday night. So, we climbed back into the car ( I should also mention that both Mr. Kolby and I become somewhat grumpy when deprived of food for any length of time) and drove to Friendly's. Friendly's was on a wait. On a Wednesday night. A wait. Yeah. So, we drove back to Fuddrucker's, because that's where my man reeeaaalllyy wanted to go. At this point, we were both ready to kill each other, and my excuse ("It's my birthday, you have to be nice to me!") was falling on deaf ears. Anyway, I walked up to the door and the line to the registers at Fuddrucker's was easily 75 feet long. I swear to you I was afraid to turn to my husband and tell him there was no way we'd be eating in under 40 minutes at Fudd's. He handled it pretty well, which is to say that he didn't shout obscenities at the toddler that was walking by at that moment. So, we got back into the car.

We ended up at Smokey Bones, a barbecue chain. It's actually not bad, especially since we're in Albany and decent barbecue is about as easy to come by as a New York politician with a conscience. Hee. Anyway, they were also on a wait, but I wasn't about to go anywhere else. So, we sat at the bar and had a damn good time. I got wasted from one margarita (yay for cheap dates!) and had a kick-ass burger. My man (we were back on speaking terms at this point - food always seems to help) had a couple of Guinnesses and some ribs. All was well in the world.

Except now I can't sleep. And Conan's gone!

Pass the Ben-Gay

2008-02-20T12:18:00.003-05:00

This is it. I'm 30 years old today. So far, it's been a pretty uneventful day. I didn't sleep very soundly last night because Mr. Kolby was in Syracuse for work, and my imagination tends to run wild when I'm alone in the dark. So, last evening, it was just me, the two rat terriers and the fat cat. Because of my imagination I have to sleep with the television on and facing the bedroom door. I only do this when I'm alone, and I think it stems from the effect watching Poltergeist had on me when I was 6. I had to check under the bed for months - you know, for clowns.

I woke up at 6:40 this morning with a headache and a pain in my butt. Honestly, I think I pulled a muscle near my tailbone. So, I have an actual pain in my ass. I can't even begin to imagine what I must have done in my sleep to tweak an ass tendon (or whatever I've got back there - I've never really bothered to examine the anatomy of my rear end). I guess this is what happens as we age - I just never expected it to happen so quickly.

So, I took the day off today. I'm just laying around, which is what I was planning on doing anyway, but now that it's all I can do, it's not so fab. The dogs are ecstatic to have a warm body to snuggle against on a Wednesday, and I'm hoping Mr. Kolby will sneak out of work early to take me out for some shopping and a little Japanese.

In the meantime, I've come up with a list of things I would like to accomplish while I'm 30:

Have a baby. It's about time, and all my friends are doing it!
Move. To anywhere but here. Both Mr. Kolby and I have decided to start shopping around for new jobs. New York is great, but not if you're just starting out.
Start reading regularly again. I've gotten away from reading for fun since I started working in government, and I miss losing myself in a good story. Plus, anything that will prevent my brain from shrinking further is definitely a worthwhile endeavor.
Start working out again. This may be the most difficult goal on my list, because I'm really fucking lazy these days. I mean, I'm not overweight or anything, but I would like to get into a size two again. Then again, if I accomplish item #1 soon....

Shallow Thoughts

2008-02-11T21:53:00.001-05:00

It's February 12, 2008. Eight days from my 30th birthday. Holy shit.

There are nine months to go before the Presidential Election, and I'm already sick of Lou Dobbs, Wolf Blitzer, Campbell Brown, and pretty much everyone else on CNN. Except Anderson Cooper. Anderson Cooper is God.

I don't know who the Dow Chemical Company has running their marketing department, but those damn "Human Element" commercials draw me in every time. They're beautiful.

When Mr. Kolby has the remote, he cycles through ONLY the HD channels before announcing that there's nothing on. We have less than 20 HD channels. Yes, I'm serious.

Kiss My Ass, Pig

2008-02-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

I almost forgot - I got a parking ticket today. I am so pissed at myself. A $50 ticket for parking my car on the wrong side of the street before noon. In case you're wondering how that works, here's the gist: Albany sucks. No seriously, it does. Anyway, on certain days of the week in the downtown section of the city, you can only park on one side of the street. It alternates, every other street, every other side. Make sense? So, this morning I was driving to work, and I was running a little late (as usual - I just can't seem to leave early to get to the job that I love so much), so when I turned onto Lancaster Street and saw an open spot, I jumped at it. I completed the most beautiful parallel parking job you've ever seen. And I leaped out of my car and practically skipped to my building. Needless to say, I obviously left a few brain cells at home in my rush, because the reason why I was able to secure such a prime spot this morning was that there was NO PARKING ON THAT SIDE OF LANCASTER TODAY. So, when I left work at five and started my car, there was a lovely little note from my friendly neighborhood parking enforcement officer. So, yeah, that sucks.

The worst part is that I shell out $45 a month for a spot in a garage that's located two blocks from my building, and which I had to wait for over two years to get. Come on, don't look at me that way.

Wasting Away

2008-02-07T17:47:00.000-05:00

Did you ever notice that your level of hunger is inversely proportional to the amount of food in the fridge? My stomach is rubbing against my spine, and all I've got is milk, eggs, green beans, a chunk of asiago, and a bunch of cilantro. And not enough energy to create something delicious using those ingredients. Maybe if I close my eyes and wish with all my might, something scrumptious will appear in the icebox. Heading to the kitchen now - wish me luck.

The Limit Has Left The Building

2008-02-06T18:41:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's happened. It's taken seven years, but it actually happened. My husband has turned me into a girl. I am no longer capable of sitting through and enjoying any sporting event that happens to be on television. Not even if it's in HD.

Now, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but it's a goddamn huge deal to me. See, I've always been that girl. The cool girl who knew all the positions on a baseball team, understood the penalty signals on the football field, and who could accurately call a foul in a basketball game. The girl who hollered at the refs when they blew a call, who screamed obscentities at the TV screen every time Barry Bonds's face flashed across it, and who would happily walk through the rain, under a highway overpass, and through the ghetto just to attend a fucking Jaguars game. Throw in the ability to make a mean batch of Schaller's hot sauce, change a tire, and tolerate a subscription to Playboy, and you've got a pretty nice catch (if I do say so myself).

But everyone has her limit. Don't get me wrong, I still love, LOVE, sports, and I still love to watch them on TV. But I'm so over being forced to sit through every round of golf, every tennis match, every inning of every meaningless Mets-Pirates game, and every snap featuring the previously mentioned Tom Brady (ha ha, loser!). I'd estimate that approximately 60% of what we watch in the Kolby house is sports, and these days the other 30% is filled with political commentary and old M.A.S.H episodes. And Mr. Kolby doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why my sighs have gotten significantly louder, or why I've taken to watching Discovery Health and Whose Wedding Is It Anyway? in the bedroom.

So, yeah, I will never get over March Madness, college bowl games, the World Series or the Super Bowl, but I have GOT to find something else to do in the buildup to those events. Something constructive. Maybe a hobby.

Suggestions?

So I Married A Traitor

2008-01-12T20:49:00.001-05:00

God, I hate the New England Patriots and their pretty boy quarterback with the unattractive ass. I despise Tom Brady both on and off the football field. His arrogance, his fashion sense, his butterface girlfriend - I hate it all.

And that's not the worst part. See, hating Tom Brady isn't all that abnormal. Shoot, everybody's doing it. You kind of have to if you live outside of New England. My husband, though, he loves Tom Brady. Adores him, even. It's sickening, and it's making me reconsider my committment to the man. I mean, come ON, Mr. Kolby is a Buffalo Bills fan. A fucking BILLS fan. Tom Brady is, or should be, public enemy #1. But no, he admires Tom Brady and his dominance of the quarterback position. When confronted with my utter astonishment at his betrayal (let's face it, that's exactly what it is. I'm a Jets fan, I know exactly how it's supposed to work when it comes to the Pats), Mr. Kolby has the nerve to turn to me and say, "Don't hate the player, hate the game." What? WHAT?!

It's the fucking TITLE of my blog. It's what I do! It's what I live for! I don't even know him anymore.

Maybe a night on the couch will set him straight.

Dammit, I'm either lazy as hell or boring as all get out...

2008-01-07T21:37:00.000-05:00

...You decide. I started Hating The Player back in April, and much like many of my former interests, I kinda lost interest in blogging after a while. It's damn near impossible for me to do it from work, which is where I'm guilty of having more time on my hands than I do on a lazy Sunday afternoon. And when I'm home, well, my rapidly expanding ass speaks for itself. You know, I don't recommend to anyone with any kind of productive energy to ever invest in a dog (or two, in our case). All your productivity goes straight out the window in favor of lounging about in your PJs covered in rat terrier. It's so damn addicting.

Anyway, I've decided to dive headlong back into blogging. I'm a frequent visitor (and commentor -yay, over 100 posts so far!) to Pajiba, and as a result I've also paid visits to several of the other commentors' own blogs. And they're fricken awesome and I'm so jealousE. Yeah, so, I'm back. Woo.

Let's see how long this lasts.

A Big Fat Greek Wedding

2007-09-18T10:58:00.000-05:00

We attended our first Greek wedding this weekend, and it was everything I could’ve hoped for, and more (save for one thing, which I shall mention later.)

I wore a fabulous little cocktail dress that I had seen last fall and had nothing to wear it to, so couldn’t justify spending $160 on it, but then found it on clearance a few months later and got for a steal of $40. Anyway, when I tried it on I must have said, “Oh, there’s my short torso at it again, I’ll need to have [my mother-in-law] take the straps in,” and then forgot about it until I went to wear it this weekend. It was wearable, but until my BFF and I did some emergency safety-pinning, my husband kept telling me to put my boobs away and cover myself up with my pashmina.

The bride was a very dear friend of mine whom I’ve known since birth (our mom’s are best friends and we’re 10 days apart), who married a wonderful Greek man who compliments her very nicely (I couldn’t be happier for them.) She looked beyond stunning and didn’t stop smiling all evening, and everyone seemed to be having a great time. The food was amazing, the dancing was fun (I joined in the festive Greek dances) and the conversations were memorable, to put it lightly.

The bride is rather good at staying in touch with old friends (unlike me) which meant that I knew the majority of her side of the guests, mostly from the time I was in retainers, if not diapers. It was a flashback to say the least. There were talks of camp, the lunch table, and what a good baby I was. When I was spotted holding a friend’s newborn while she stole a quick dance with her husband, the mothers swarmed. My husband was harassed about when we were having kids, and upon replying that we planned on sooner rather than later, he was instructed to, “Go home and get the job done TONIGHT!” Oy. I’ve never seen him blush quite like that before.

The one drawback: no plate smashing. I have been led to believe (through seemingly inaccurate television shows and movies) that all Greek weddings end with festive plate-smashing, which I confided in the Bride a few months before the wedding that I was ever-so-excited for. I was brutally rebuffed, “I think we have to pay for broken plates, so no plate smashing.” Fine, I thought. I won’t START the plate smashing, but if some excited Greek relative starts the ritual, you’d better believe I’m joining in. But it never happened. I found out later that I wasn’t the only non-ethnic guest waiting to break some plates; at least three other guests asked when I thought the festivities would begin. Sigh. Oh well, the next time I drop a plate at home I’ll try to remember to scream, “Opa!” instead of swearing.

Babies on the Brain

2007-08-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

What is wrong with me? I know more about what’s happening in maternity fashion and pregnancy do-dads than my pregnant friends do…

Last night at dinner I mentioned the Belly Belt to my twice-pregnant friend, Liz, (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!) who knew nothing of the contraption that allows you to expand your favorite pair of trousers into maternity-wear. Ok, well we all know how Liz get’s when she’s pregnant, so maybe it was her. Nope. My other THRICE pregnant friend, Carolyn, also knew nothing about it. What the deuce?

So I thought about it. How do I spend my days when the work just isn’t getting done? Let’s see. I check Celebrity Baby Blog (CBB) then I bookmark all of the fabulous baby and maternity stuff they mention. I contemplate the nursery bedding set Keri Russell chose for her son, River, and decide what set I would’ve chosen. I snack as if I were eating for two, (though I am most definitely not) then I check CBB again and see the diaper bag Naomi Watts carries, and covet it for a good forty minutes. I have no need to carry diapers around at the mo’, but can you imagine how much stuff I could get in there? When make believe time has ended, I check CBB again (what, they update it a LOT, ok?) and enter to win a personalized baby blanket (of course I would have no idea how to personalize a blanket for a child that is years off, so I vow to personalize it for Liz if I win) from yet another fabulous baby site.

After realizing what my day entails (see above) and what my pregnant friends’ days entail, (chasing kids around after a long day of work and going to bed at a ridiculously early hour because they grew a lung or something that day) it’s pretty obvious why they’re clueless about pregnancy and baby crap. You see, they have actual things to think and worry about, like pregnancy, childbirth and financing the whole fiasco; whilst I sit on my bottom and dream up wardrobe for a future-preggo me and a nursery for a not-even-thought-about infant.

Le sigh. At least I know what nursery bedding set I’ll be choosing when the time eventually comes. In the meantime, however, I’ll be the best baby-gift giver there is. Perhaps I should think about getting a real hobby…

Why am I slutty....

2007-08-21T13:23:00.000-05:00

If I choose to wear an unlined bra? I mean, I understand that it's unseasonably chilly today, and also that I'm just so damn gorgeous that even women seemingly can't take their eyes off of me, and that yes, OK, MAYBE a silk sweater isn't the premiere garment to layer over said unlined bra - but who the hell cares if the outlines of my nipples are making an appearance at this very moment? I see older, heavier (i.e."fat") broads wearing lace or silk brazzieres under their outfits. Hell, most of the time I can SEE the bras themselves through the freakishly gigantic armholes of their sleeveless tops (don't even get me started on seeing these sleeveless tops in the dead of winter - 3 months of flabby, flapping skin is plenty, thankyouverymuch). So why do I, a married, 29-year-old woman, dressed tastefully, with all my "sexy" bits fully covered, receive constant oogling from the men and ocular death threats from the women in my office building? I'm wearing a turtleneck, for chrissakes! Yes, as I said before, it's silk, and YES, as previously mentioned, my nipples are "there", in all their glory, but come on people, everyone's got them! Are mine so unique that, regardless of the circumstances or level of deiscomfort involved, everyone's attention is immediately drawn to my chest, as if The Secret is contained within? Should I be forced to wear thickly lined, armor-like undergarments while the older, not-as-fun-to-look-at ladies of my floor get away with wearing bras that not even Frederick's would dare to carry? It's a double standard, I tell you.

And if I wasn't afraid to removed my forearms from their protective positioning over my breasts, I might be able to actually do something about it, like gesturing wildly or pounding my fist into my hand while standing on my desk and shouting that I'm not gonna take it anymore!

Oh, who am I kidding - this does look kind of slutty.

2007-08-20T09:39:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I have become enchanted by bangs. I KNOW! Trust me, I know what you are thinking. I haven't had them since I was 12 so apparently those intervening 16 years have taught me nothing except that time really does heal all wounds. But look at these celebrities that are mocking me with lovely bangs: Jennifer Garner, Reese Witherspoon, Emilie de Ravin, even Kiki Dunst!

So, before I go absolutely mad and bend to the will of "fashion," weigh in with your opinions...

Favorite White Tee

2007-08-13T10:03:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know, I am OBSESSED with the white t-shirt (wearing one right now, actually.) Given an excuse to do so, I would wear one every day. Consequently, I am always on the hunt for a new one; be it short or long sleeved, because really, you can never have enough.

So one day I’m shopping for things I don’t need in Target, like you do, and I spot some white long sleeved tees on the sale rack. They were super-cheap and REALLY soft, and even though I had no idea who the designer was (come on, it was Target) I grabbed one. This shirt has become my favorite white tee (FWT); it’s really long, extra roomy and oh-so-comfy.

A few months after the purchasing of the FWT, I saw the cutest madras maternity sundress for a friend of mine at Target. After texting a picture of the dress to her, I noticed the designer was the same as it was on my FWT. I thought, “Oh, this designer has become popular at Target, she now makes maternity clothing too!” Later, I went online to shop through the designer’s collection, as I had done so well with FWT, and that maternity dress was terribly adorable, maybe they had a non-maternity version. Can you guess what happened next?

I discovered that no, there was no non-maternity version of the dress, because that particular designer only makes maternity clothes for Target. I quickly threw on my FWT, turned sideways and cocked my head. Huh. It’s really way longer than it needs to be, and there is all this extra fabric around the belly… I threw a pillow under the shirt and all revealed itself. My FWT is a maternity shirt. No wonder it was so long and roomy…

For a while I felt like a complete idiot, being a non-pregnant woman walking around in maternity wear for so very long, but then I realized that if I hadn’t noticed it the many times I scrutinized myself in the mirror, onlookers probably wouldn’t either…

So I still wear it. Often. It’s still my FWT, and when I finally do become pregnant, it will remain my FWT, and that’ll be one less thing I’ll have to buy when the times comes.

Shouldn’t we be learning from this?

2007-08-10T09:16:00.000-05:00

We got Guinness at the end of April, and now that he’s potty trained, he’s eating everything in sight instead of peeing on it. First it was the molding in the kitchen, then the wall in the kitchen (how is that even possible?) and last night I

came home to a pile of ripped and chewed up paper on the floor that I recognized as our Dave Matthews Band tickets for Tuesday. Imaging explaining that one to your husband… He was obviously less than pleased, but luckily The Warehouse was able to replace the tickets with picture confirmation of the mess our little guy had made.

You’d think we would learn from this, no? We’re getting better, trying not to trust him so much yet, but he’s so cute it’s hard to be strong around that little puppy face. So for now we’re just trying not to keep important stuff below a six foot level in the house, because he always manages to get to it otherwise.

No Spoilers…

2007-07-22T19:18:00.000-05:00

…But it was everything I hoped it could be and more. It’s probably for the best that I didn’t get the black market copy early, because I read nonstop (laughing and crying) from the time I got my book at 12:15 am until I finished it at 4:15 pm, save for a three hour nap (which I don't think work would've appreciated). I was a total zombie at the end, went way too fast and probably missed important things, but I’m so glad I read it all in one. I’m now on the point of listening to my audio book (like the freak I am, see below) so that I can fully appreciate the final installment. Oh how I love Madame Rowling.

I want it NOW.

2007-07-18T14:48:00.000-05:00

All I want is the damn Harry Potter book. I’ve been waiting for two years to read it and all the chatter about leaks is not making it any easier.

For the record, I am not interested in the stupid spoilers of, “Oh, so and so dies in this one,” and “This person is really a death eater.” I want the whole damn thing.

Some ambitious dude got a hold of a copy of the book, took pictures of every page and then uploded the whole book to photobucket to share with the world. Genius, fellow! The problem with this is that I didn’t find out about it until AFTER Scholastic pressed charges and took them down. Bastards!

Now, before you go telling me about how it’s not fair and the suspense is part of the magic, blah blah blah, please remember that we’ve already been waiting TWO YEARS for this final installment about our favorite wizard, and that's quite a lot to ask in the first place.

And just for the record, yes, I’d still buy the book even if I read it online ahead of time. I also buy the audio books, because I am that freak who reads and listens to the books ceaselessly, and can quote random facts that not even the administrators of some of the most popular Harry Potter fan sites could. In fact, rather than buying an i-pod based on how many songs it could fit, I shopped for the one that I calculated could hold all seven audio books.

So yeah I’ve been waiting two whole years for this book, what’s another two days, right? I think the real question is: What on earth am I going to do with myself when the series is over?

The Draw of Lincoln

2007-07-04T08:40:00.000-05:00

My husband is in DC working for the week and called me last night around 11:30PM to tell me that he was touring around with co-workers, hitting up the presidential monuments. He said when he came around to the Lincoln Memorial it was packed with families and children even at that late hour. Then this morning he called to tell me it was still packed out! So, my question is, what does Lincoln have that the others don't? I mean, maybe the Washington Monument doesn't have the same allure as the memorials that feature statues of the presidents (although I remember when I was about 5 you could still go inside, not sure if you still can with the security concerns), but then surely Jefferson would be as big a draw as Lincoln (which incidentally is where my 5 year old self learned how to pronounce "Thomas"). Maybe people are just more familiar with Lincoln, see him as a sort of father figure, and are attracted to the serenity of the gargantuan President sitting in his chair.

Office-wide e-mail, Subject: Stapler Thief

2007-06-29T10:53:00.000-05:00

Secretary to entire office: Someone is borrowing staplers and not returning them. If you have more than one stapler please put any extras in the supply cabinet. If you need a stapler, please ask and we'll order one for you.

Russian coworker via reply-all: I've got two missing from my desk for the past three weeks. If you taking ANYTHING from my desk let me know about it AND return it. Thanks.

Indian coworker who shares office with Russian coworker via reply-all: …and both my staplers are missing today. Thanks.

Lisa to Me: This is so Office Space, I can't even stand it.

Me to Lisa: Should I reply all and ask why he has two?

Lisa to Me: I don't get why they're even replying at all. I think Indian and Russian CW are just passive aggressively stealing each others staplers. Scandalous.

Me to Lisa: You know it's the cleaning lady. She's plotting a cleaning lady's rebellion by way of stealing staplers AND messing with people by replacing their rubbish bins to different places around their office each day. That MINX!

Universal Health Care?

2007-06-28T10:04:00.001-05:00

I have not seen SiCKO yet, I hear it is getting great reviews and have seen Michael Moore all over television promoting his movie and have heard the excerpts of insurance claims workers that are truly horrific. In the movie Moore explains the history of the HMO, well, I am one of the "lucky" members of an HMO. While I am grateful to have any health care, the hoops that you must jump through in order to have your health care covered are outrageous. You cannot take an ambulance ride without getting it pre-approved (so if you are unconscious and are taken from a car accident, you won't be covered b/c you were pre-approved for the ride), general care has to be referred by a GP (and by general care I mean my yearly OB/GYN appointment), but since that referral is only active for three months, you have to see your GP EVERY YEAR (and pay the lovely co-pay) just to go to your other "specialist" and pay their co-pay as well. Now most people can choose to pay more for a non-HMO plan or pay out of pocket for services, but how is that fair to people who work hard and can't afford that extra cost? All in all, I've realized that HMO's are wonderful if you never get sick or do not have any sort of pre-existing condition that requires regular maintenance, but is universal health care the answer?

I have lived in England and benefited from their universal health care, and while I had lovely experiences of getting my yearly exams with no wait and no fuss, I have heard of people with cancer who cannot receive chemo because it is not deemed "life threatening" and of the long, long, long, waiting lists for people who require surgery not deemed "necessary" by the health care system. There is a reason why the richer set choose to go to private practices in order to pay out of pocket to be seen immediately, which brings us back to health care for the wealthy, essentially the same system we have here, so what is the answer? Maybe Michael Moore's new movie gives us some answers, but I'm not holding my breath.

I know I'm not Ebert or Roeper...

2007-06-21T16:12:00.000-05:00

...but this has been bugging me for a few weeks now and I need to get it out.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl is one of my favorite movies of all time. It was cleverly written, subtly hysterical and it didn’t hurt that Orlando Bloom was sweaty and love-stricken through most of the flick.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest was very good, though the ending was terribly odd and didn’t make a lick of sense. But again, its humor and Orlando got the better of me and I was able to overlook the misplaced conclusion.

Now here’s my problem: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End was completely ridiculous. Not that the first two weren’t, I mean we are talking about a trilogy based on magically cursed pirates gallivanting around the seemingly minuscule Caribbean Sea, but the final installment was just mind-bogglingly ridiculous.

Just so we're clear, this is coming from someone who re-reads the Harry Potter series incessantly; and watches Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Charmed re-runs daily, so believe me when I say I can get into implausible plots. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantasy film, it’s meant to be far-fetched, but the plot (if you can even call it that) was bordering on schizophrenic it was so out there.

Basically what I’m saying is that if you loved the first Pirates, and loved the second one less, skip the third. However, if you’re just looking for a bit of fun and don’t really care that a non-pirate ended up Pirate King; then by all means indulge yourself at the Cinema.

For now I’m just hoping I’ll have better luck with Ocean’s 13.

What the hell is a Barista anyway?

2007-06-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

So, a new hotel has opened in our neighborhood, complete with the requisite Starbucks, a sports bar and a cute little ice cream parlor on the first floor. Husband and I decided to take a leisurely walk to the hotel (it's named after a certain jailbird heiress and her family) to partake in an after-dinner ice cream cone. The walk was lovely, the ice cream parlor and its staff were adorable, and husband's double scoop of cookie dough looked scrumptrulescent. I was in the mood for an iced coffee, so I strolled over to Starbucks and ordered a decaf grande whatever. The barista (gimme a fricken' break already) informed me that, regrettably, they were unable to produce a decaffinated iced coffee this evening. I scrunched up my nose, pointed to the menu behind the counter and shrugged. The barista followed my gaze, confirmed that, yes, they should have decaf available, but they don't. That was it. No further explanation. I stared. He stared. I squinted. He sweated. He asked what else I'd like. I said 'nothing', and I actually said thank you, even though what I wanted to say would have violated Hating The Player's no-cuss clause. So, off we went, Husband with his delicious cone and I with my, well, my suddenly deep, deep hatred of Starbucks and its useless baristas firmly established.

How is it...

2007-06-14T15:39:00.000-05:00

...that I can spend an entire day staring at my computer screen, scanning the internets, visiting useless celebrity websites, reading the occasional news article, and playing pointless games while getting not one page of actual work done - only to go home exhausted and needing a drink? I mean, I know I didn't do any work - hell, even my boss knows I didn't do any work, why should I be so tired? Has my brain dissolved into a tiny nugget barely able to process what condiment I should have on my burger at lunch, let alone actually accomplish anything even remotely deserving of my (very small) paycheck? Could it be that I have allowed myself to regress to a point where wondering whether Christina Aguilera really is pregnant is pretty much all my neurons can handle in an 8-hour period? Wow.

I'm going to have to sit and think about this for a while.

Doesn't everyone?

2007-06-14T15:25:00.000-05:00

I recently spent a few hours in the emergency room for something that wasn’t a big deal at all and turned out to actually be a huge waste of time, but at least my mother got a good laugh out of it.

I had to give a urine sample, so I was getting out of bed and putting my shoes on when my mom noticed my shoes (a very fabulous pair of gold Nine West sandals) for the first time since we had been there.

Mom: Are those the shoes you had on when the paramedics showed up?

Me: Yes.

Mom: Do you always wear gold lamé shoes around the house?

Me: Yes…

Mom: Of course you do.

Something to gush about...

2007-06-05T15:34:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's very difficult to think of fun & exciting topics to blog about. Seriously, look at us, we at Hating The Player haven't had much to say as of late. And it's no surprise, either. We, as Americans, tend to be fickle & easily bored, not only as observers, but as commenters as well. Think about it, we - all of us - find something new & pretty to be obsessed with, we can't get enough of it (whatever it may be - a television show, a new restaurant, or, in Kara's case, a pair of kicky heels), and then two weeks later we have to remind ourselves just exactly what about it fascinated us in the first place. I bet if you look back on even the past 3 months of your life, you can come up with a handful of things you've been utterly obsessed with, things you thought you simply could not live without. Come on, give it a go.

Here's Mine:

1) Wentworth Miller - I know I have touched on my undying love of all things Wenty in the past, but I haven't yet delved into the deepest reaches of my obsession with the man. I must admit that my affection for Wentworth has subsided since Season Two of Prison Break came to a close a month and a half ago, but my heart still skips a beat whenever I come across a picture of that face - and believe me, my Photobucket account is brimming with them. No, seriously...it is.

2) Ballet flats - I bought a pair of these on sale at the Gap last month, and they are so freaking comfortable and seem to match every outfit I own. Now, while I am aware that, in all probability, they do NOT match every outfit I own, I am still in love with them enough to try to convince myself of just the opposite each day as I slip them on.

3) "House" - the husband and I only recently started watching this show, which just ended its third season on the FOX network. I remember stumbling upon an airing a couple of months ago when I thought Prison Break would be on. Well, Prison Break had the week off, and I had Hugh Laurie in all his scruffy, bitter glory - and I was in love. I ran out and bought the first two seasons, and the husband and I reveled in our pajama'd-ness as we devoured every episode. What's that you say? The premise of each and every episode is essentially the same? Wouldn't that get old after a while? Well, yes, the plotlines do tend to follow similar story arcs, but I don't care. It's rather comforting, you know, and it works just fine for me.

4) Babies - this may be because a few of my friends have recently been welcomed into parent-dom, or because every celebrity magazine and blog is filled with photos of expectant or newly post-birth movie star moms, or because my damn hormones are, per usual, out of whack. I don't know, but lately I've been drawn to websites like Celebrity Baby Blog and Celebrity Baby Scoop (they're essentially they same site, I don't know why I still check them both out), and I keep shoving pictures of babies and baby rooms and baby shoes and baby toys into the husband's face. And what movie did we just see? "Knocked Up", of course. My mother would be so happy to be reading this right now.

Your turn.

Ice Cream Man

2007-05-30T14:21:00.000-05:00

I swear to GOD I have super-sonic hearing for the Ice Cream Man, ONLY. (Yes, I know I’m 25, thankyouverymuch.) He doesn't come to our house, but when we're at my husband's parents' house I can hear it from like three streets over when I'm INSIDE and even further away when we're outside. His brother and I do the "steal money from Mom's purse" scramble and wait outside like a bunch of morons with no shoes on for 15 minutes until the Ice Cream Man makes his way past all the stupid kids who can't decide what they want. GOD. Just get your stupid baseball-glove-on-a-stick-with-bubblegum-baseball-center pop and get OUT OF MY WAY!!! Ooh… Now I want a chocolate éclair…

It was supposed to be about my sister…

2007-05-22T13:38:00.000-05:00

Prologue

I spent this past weekend in Rhode Island where my sister graduated from URI. Saturday was uneventful; we arrived, shopped, had dinner, walked along the beach and pooped out way too early.

Act I: The Fight

Sunday was the actual graduation. We got there early to get good seats and succeeded. The ceremony was filled with people jumping in front of others to get pictures of their kids, which is understandable.

Right before my sister was about to walk, some woman jumped in front of my seat and stood with her huge buttocks in my face. I waited until the last possible second, and then jumped up to get in front of her to get a picture of my sister. That’s when the Big-Bummed-Woman (BBW) started yelling at me:

BBW: “Come on, I can’t see!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I had to move because you were standing RIGHT in front of me.”

BBW: “I was not, you’re full of it!”

Mom: “ACTUALLY, you were, she was sitting right here.” (Pointing at chair practically underneath BBW.)

At this point everyone within a 20 foot radius was watching us, not the ceremony. I crouched down so as not to block the views of others until I had to snap the pictures of my sister. WHILE I was taking said pictures, BBW started again…

BBW: “COME ON, this is ridiculous!”

Me: “You’re not the only one here with a child graduating, you know.”

Crowd: Cheers

BBW turned and walked away as I returned to my seat where my mother grabbed my arm.

Mom: “No fights, Kara, no fights, calm down, no fights please.”

Me: “What? I’m fine; I’m not going to fight that moron.”

Cousin: “I thought you were going to run her down when she called you a bitch!”

Me: “Um, WHAT? When did she call me a bitch?”

Mom: “When she was walking away, that’s why I grabbed your arm; I thought you were going to hit her…”

Me: “Well I would’ve hit her if I had heard that!”

My Husband: “Oh Jesus…”

Later in the Ladies Room a woman commented to my mother that she saw the whole thing, and that, “Some people are real pips.” We saw BBW on the way out where she was chain smoking and yelling at an elderly woman. I just smiled and waved at her and wished her a lovely afternoon. Yes, I’m evil.

Act II: The Drinking

Disclaimer: I rarely drink causing me to have a VERY low tolerance and to get sick frequently.

The night is mostly a blur, but it contains the following: Me mixing drinks for us; 45 minutes on YouTube watching ‘80’s cartoon intros (Thunder, THUNDER, THUNDERCATS!!!); a brief dance party and a video of me bringing sexy back (no, I’m not posting that); a fashion show; shots at the bar; texting pictures of someone’s boobs; peeing a LOT; drunk dialing Porter and Kolby repeatedly (sorry, guys); introducing my sister to the pizza guys, Mike & Steve; playing Pac-Man; another brief dance party; stepping on my sister’s laptop and cracking her screen; slipping and twisting my ankle; attempting to take out my contacts, failing and ending up with my sister’s finger in my eye; and throwing up a few times before passing out.

I woke up Monday morning with a very sore ankle (which is still bruised and causing me to limp) and a VERY weak stomach. On the night that I should’ve been babysitting my drunk sister, she ended up babysitting drunk me. Now I owe her a new laptop screen and a kick-ass graduation party where I will be getting her wasted, and abstaining from the drink myself.

Epilogue

I know people say this all the time, but I’m never drinking again. Ever. Seriously. Now please excuse me, I have to go ice my ankle.

Oh allergies, how you plague me...

2007-05-08T11:01:00.000-05:00

Albany, NY is only number 88 on the AAFA’s Spring 2007 “100 most challenging places to live with allergies” list, but it’s still pretty bad here. I guess the fact that I don’t normally have allergies and I’m still suffering says something. I’ve tried various medications to correct it, but nothing seems to be working.

Tylenol: No help whatsoever.

Sudafed: I’m sorry, did I just drop acid?

Benadryl: May as well be a tranquilizer dart, it makes me fall asleep so fast.

Claritin: Ambien incarnate, even the non-drowsy formula.

Zyrtec: Again with the sleepies.

Alavert: Um, this is exactly the same medicine as Claritin, WHY did you prescribe it to me when I told you I wouldn’t take Claritin because it makes me pass out? Honestly… What a waste of a $20 copay.

Allegra: “Upset stomach, menstrual cramps, back pain, cough, fever, stuffy nose, earache or dizziness may occur.” Um… No thanks…

Clarinex: “Throat discomfort, muscle pain, nausea, indigestion, loss of appetite, diarrhea, dizziness, fatigue, trouble sleeping, nosebleeds, or dry mouth may occur.” I think I prefer the sneezing…

So basically, I’m going to continue sneezing, itching and throbbing until Spring is over, because even though allergy meds are a multi-billion dollar industry, they can’t make something simple to make me stop sneezing without passing out or alternately having PMS. As most women would, I’m sure: I’ll take the sneezing over the ovary hockey any day.

I love my "gas-efficient" Honda Fit

2007-05-03T13:18:00.000-05:00

I recently bought a Honda Fit, which was no easy task, and no, I'm not referring to overbearing car dealers. A search within a 500-mile radius of my home revealed ONE Honda Fit in the absolutely adorable "lunar mist" color. It is a delightful combination of icy blue and silver and is so perfect it is like Honda read my mind. All of the seats fold down flat and the rear seats fold up so you can fit a plant or tall object in as well. It gets a gas-sipping 38 MPG and is so tiny and cute, although my husband refuses to call it "cute" as that is so very un-manly, to him, it is "gas-efficient." For all you men out there, remember, you can use whatever euphemism you want, but your wife, sister, mother, and any other woman will be squealing at this adorably cute vehicle.

Whoa, cool!

2007-05-02T11:23:00.000-05:00

Around 15 minutes ago I decided that I was hungry, but not hungry for lunch, just something crappy to snack on between lunch and breakfast. I debated between a brownie and a bowl of Froot Loops, and Shrek’s happy green ogre face enticed me to choose the Froot Loops.

Upon opening the colorfully crappy cereal, I discovered the toy on TOP of bag (which kind of takes the fun out of it…) and actually screamed, “Whoa, Cool!” People, I’m 25 years old. Yes, I’m eating Froot Loops, but should I really be that excited about the Shrek Ear Clip Knight Light?

Upon further contemplation, I realized that I may actually be able to use this thing… It’s a little flashlight that clips onto your ear like a Bluetooth earpiece. Maybe I can use it at night when I take the dog out so I don’t have to lug around the one GIANT flashlight that works out of the ten we have…

So I went further into my madness over this toy and tested it. I went into my darkened bedroom, clipped this thing on my ear and turned it on… and couldn’t see past my own nose. This is what happens when an adult gets excited over a cereal toy.

Oh well, at least the Froot Loops are still delicious.

Spring, thou hast forsaken thee

2007-05-01T14:27:00.000-05:00

My two favorite seasons are Fall and Spring. There is something about those tween seasons where the weather is either just warm enough to leave the house without a jacket or just crisp enough to require a cardigan. Unfortunately, it seems to have skipped Spring this year in the South.

It was hovering in the 50's just a few weeks ago, tantalizing me with promises of those 60 and 70 degree days that are pure bliss before the stifling 100 degree days. And now, we have jumped from the 50's all the way beyond 60 and 70 to the high 80's, it may even reach 90 degrees this week. This weather makes me wilt and want to move to Alaska, and no one likes a wilting flower on the first of May.

Short, sweet and to the point.

2007-05-01T10:28:00.000-05:00

In the form of an e-mail conversation.

Lisa: Everyone is wearing sandals, thoughts?

Kara: It's not even that warm...

Lisa: I know!! No stockings? Go for it. Peep toes? Sure. But, sandals!?!?

Kara: Way premature. I get it, you're excited it's sunny, but keep your wits about you. If you still have to wear a jacket, it's too cold for sandals.

Lisa: I wholeheartedly agree.

Fin.

Blogging the NFL Draft

2007-04-28T15:24:00.000-05:00

I realize this is my second sports-related post, but bear with me. Usually the NFL draft is a relative snooze-fest with Mel Kiper waxing poetic on where the picks should go (seriously, Mel has a job that anyone who has the ability to pay attention to college and NFL stats could do). It isn't that I hate Mel, but I revel in it when he is wrong on his picks.

Take Brady Quinn, for instance, who was predicted to go in the top five, or at least top ten, went at number 22. 22, that is not a typo! The Browns traded the Cowboy's 22nd pick, in what must seem like a miracle for Cleveland-ers, to get Quinn (the Browns took OT Joe Thomas for their number 3 pick). While this is probably very devastating for Quinn, who will likely see a decrease in the number of millions he is paid this year, it provides drama that a run-of-the-mill draft lacks. The only thing that could have been more shocking is if Quinn wasn't taken at all and dropped to the 2nd round. Now, who wants to make their guesses on what the Cowboys got in return from the Browns?

The Stomach Flu Sucks Serious Ass

2007-04-27T12:27:00.000-05:00

If I have been notably absent from blogging, and even if my absence hasn't been notable and I just don't give a rat's rosy red behind what you lack the ability to take notice of, it's because I have recently been diagnosed with a stomach virus. It's one of those diagnoses you don't really need to go see your doctor for, because it's pretty damn apparent, at least to you and your toilet bowl, that things aren't all hunky-dory on the G.I. front. But, I have been watching a lot of "House" lately, so I took a trip to see my Osteopath, just in case the "differential diagnosis" (it's from the show, sorry) revealed that instead of a stomach virus my body had been overtaken by some mysterious neurological illness. But, of course, the vomiting, diarrhea, aches, pains, and general blah-ness was attributed to my "catching" a stomach bug, which means that I had a few days to enjoy riding the porcelain bus while building up my television viewing time. I haven't been able to eat much, so I pass the time by watching cooking shows on the Food Network. Today, Paula Deen made a peach and blueberry cobbler that looked divine, but which, I am certain, would send me running for the bathroom.

Do you know what I CAN eat? Crackers. Crackers and Gatorade.

Shut up.

Take Your Child to Work Day

2007-04-26T11:47:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid (long ago and far away) this was still called Take Your Daughter to Work Day. Apparently all 7^th grade English teachers united to boycott the horrible day when their classroom was overrun with the stink of I-shower-at-night pre-pubescent boys. At any rate, this day is now extended to children of both sexes.

On my very late way into work this morning (I’m experimenting with the limits of what exactly fashionably late really is) I witnessed these poor children cordoned off in a far section of the cafeteria watching a Power Point presentation, presumably about what their parents do all day. Power Point? For a group off 11 year-olds? SERIOUSLY?

Those poor kids looked like they’d like nothing more than to actually be in math class at that very moment. If you ask me, this is just asking for these children to stay in school indefinitely, draining their parents’ retirement funds for tuition for useless liberal arts degree after useless liberal arts degree…

When I was a kid, Take Your Daughter to Work Day was something to look forward to, not something to dread. We always went with our Dad, because our Mom was a teacher, and going to school on a day we had off from it was nothing to get excited about.

Our day usually started off with a doughnut breakfast (Score!) while we dead-headed on the train down to the city. In the morning we’d play on Dad’s computer with a coloring program he’d had installed especially for us, and get to meet all the people he called, “Bigot,” “Moron,” and “BOOBra,” (the very chesty secretary named Barbara) at the dinner table every night. Lunch would be McDonalds (yet another score, Mom never let us have fast food) followed by a very fun and fascinating tour of Grand Central Terminal (organized presumably so that the parents could actually accomplish some work while we were there) whose facts I can still spout even 15 years later. (Did you know sound is carried along an archway? You talk into one side of it and someone listening at the other side will hear you. Amazing.) At the end of the day we’d dead-head back home on the train, and have NO homework!

I bet nowadays if kids miss school for Take Your Child to Work Day they have to write a report or something to present to their class when they come back. It’s total crap. I think when I have kids Take Your Child to Work Day will consist of shopping, soap operas and nap time. And now I want a doughnut…

Pregnancy makes you stupid

2007-04-24T16:36:00.000-05:00

Ok, not YOU personally, but some people. Take my friend Liz*, for instance. She’s four months pregnant. The other day we were looking at something where I had written the word, “Crocheting” (it’s one of the old lady hobbies that I indulge in, leave me alone.) Liz saw it and said, “What the hell is CROTCH-et-ing?” Now this isn’t exactly a word most people use on a daily basis, except Liz happens to indulge in this same old lady hobby, and knows full well “what the hell” crocheting is.

Normally Liz is brilliant; she’s getting her doctorate in cardiovascular blah blah blah. It’s almost insane how smart she is. She’s a full time student maintaining a 4.o GPA, doing important research in her field, not to mention being a wife and mother. I don’t think most people could even comprehend the work she does, let alone get a 4.0 on it.

Right now though, she’s an idiot. I love her to death but she becomes a moron when she’s knocked up. The same thing happened the first time she was pregnant. She became a total air-head for 9 months, but as soon as that baby was out of her womb and in her arms, she was back to her old smarty-pants self again.

I think I’ve figured it out though. When she gets pregnant, all of her brain goes into that little person growing inside of her, so that it too may become a genius someday.

Proof you ask? Of course. Liz’s now 2 year-old son, Michael*, is bordering on Einstein. He counts, says his ABC’s, can tell you everyone’s names, understands that his little brother or sister is growing in his mom’s belly and can carry on a telephone conversation with relative ease. Did I mention he’s also adorable? Ok, that’s neither here nor there.

Basically, Liz lends her brain to her uterus for 9 months so that she can help balance out the growing population of morons in the world, and so far it seems to be working quite well. And if her current mindlessness is any indication of what’s to come, this baby will be twice as smart as Michael is.

The moral of my story is: if in the far distant future when I am with child, I suddenly become a sunshine-spreading optimist; rest assured that my fetus is busy inheriting every ounce of my callous pessimism, and will surely live up to its mother’s name.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and overly hormonal.

Dressing for the Weather

2007-04-23T09:02:00.000-05:00

Do you know just how badly I wanted to call in sick to work today? Before I shut my (envy-inducing green) eyes last night, I hoped I'd wake up this morning having contracted some mysterious illness that would prevent me from properly functioning at my desk for 8 hours. I mean, the Weather Channel told me that today's weather would be near-perfect. Sunny, mid-eighties, low humidity, a light breeze - see what I mean? Who can work on a day like today? Who can pound the keyboard while the birds sing, the trees sway, and the sun shines? Me, obviously, because that is exactly what I've been doing since 9 am. And I'm paying for it. You see, in my excitement over today's outdoor situation, I failed to remember what the weather tends to be like inside my office building. And that's cold, damn cold. And I have no pantyhose on. And my shirt has three-quarter length sleeves. I am shivering, dammit. OK, yes, my shoes are adorable, but the fact that you can see most of my toes in them is causing me agony. I need a blanket, and a hot cup of tea, and my House DVDs. I think I have a headache, and my throat is a little scratchy. Maybe I am a teeney bit on the ill side after all...leaving early is almost as worth it as calling in...dontcha think?

Passive-Aggressive Nonsense

2007-04-20T16:07:00.000-05:00

If you have something to say, just say it! Don’t beat around the bush, don’t hint, and don’t make a foul attempt at being coy. Be a grown-up and speak your mind!

We all know that when you say something nasty or backhanded and follow it up with a “tee-hee” or the even more putrid “LOL,” you’re not actually joking. You meant what you said but you added a dose of what you consider to be humor in case you needed to back-pedal and say, “Oh, but I was kidding!” Right...

So to all of the passive-aggressive nonsense back-peddlers out there: Buck up and grow a set. Happy Friday.

Shoes, Glorious Shoes

2007-04-18T19:21:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me at all surely could have guessed that I’d be waxing poetic about shoes at some point. Round, pointy and peep toed; stiletto, wedge and kitten heeled (yes, ballet flats too) all find their way into my closet to be photographed and stored in their original box when not in use. Anal retentive you say? No, really? What can I say? I have a bit of a habit, and a very expensive one at that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Carrie Bradshaw. Most of my shoes are well-known brands, but I’ve certainly never purchased, let alone tried on (I’m too frightened that I’d become an even bigger shoe snob) a pair of Manolo Blahnik’s or Jimmy Choo’s.

I find I’m at my friendliest (which is saying something) when shoe shopping. And I never actually go shoe shopping by the way, I usually just meander away from what I was supposed to be shopping for and find myself in Nine West trying on the cutest pair of orange leather loafers that I have absolutely nothing to wear with.

I’ve talked women both into and out of buying shoes. I console them when they are sobbing because they’re forced to buy a size 11, “Don’t worry, sweetie, Steve Madden flats run small, you’re not really a glamazon,” and reassure them that they really do look fierce in those zebra print stilettos.

There is one thing that I find I have a difficult time being honest with other woman about whilst in my happy place, but it needs to be said. There’s nothing that makes me more disturbed than a woman teeter-tottering her way up the street in a pair of new shoes. If you feel like an moron walking in them, odds are you look like an moron walking in them. I guarantee that when you’re clumsily making your way through a crowd thinking everyone must be staring at your fantastic new pumps; they’re actually staring at how ridiculous you look, and comparing you to their four-year-old playing dress up.

So here it is. I know those are the most ab fab shoes you’ve ever seen, and you probably have the perfect top to wear them with, but listen carefully, muffin: if when you try those pretty little pumps on in the store you feel yourself wobble, don’t you dare leave with them. Put them back on the shelf and leave them for the big girls to play with.

No, not even if they are on sale.

To the really fit woman at the gym

2007-04-13T13:58:00.000-05:00

I go to the gym because I do not have the luxury of buying myself a treadmill. All I ask is to listen to my iPod and walk the hill program at my steady pace, not because I enjoy it, but because I enjoy salt 'n vinegar chips very much. When you come prancing over next to me, BLAST up the floor fan so that it blows my business six ways of Sunday, and happily try to strike up conversation I want to slap you. I realize I mainly pretend to not be able to hear you, but that does not mean you should try to speak any louder or tap me on the shoulder.

Perhaps you and the STEP instructor who likes to come around and recruit for her class should get together, you seem like a perfect match.

I’m a no-time person

2007-04-13T13:51:00.000-05:00

When people ask, “Are you an Early Bird, or a Night Owl?” my answer comes quickly and easily: “Neither, moron.”

When my alarm goes off in the morning at 7:00, I hit snooze every nine minutes until at least 8:12 when I begrudgingly drag myself out of bed and into the shower. If you dare disturb my sleep before this time: may God have mercy on your soul, because I certainly won’t. I decline invitations to meetings starting before 10:30, and on a good day I’m only 30 minutes late to work. Do not smile at me, or wish me, “Good Morning,” or even wave in a cheerful manner, for I’m liable to bite your head off.

The best part of my day is the moment I crawl into bed, lean against my pillows and pull the 800 thread count sheets up over my body. Before sliding into bed I must perform a series of rituals to calm myself down and get my mind ready for sleep. If at any point my slumber is interrupted, I must start the rituals again. So yeah, if you thoughtlessly knock on my bedroom door for anything less than a severe cranial contusion, prepare yourself for a beat down. Even my husband gets an elbow to the gut when he gently nudges my sleeping body so that he can spoon me properly.

I’m not exactly a daytime person, either. I generally spend my day sliding into and out of sugar highs, avoiding any real work and willing myself not to deck any unwitting coworkers.

It has been noted that I’m “not exactly in a good place right now,” which is probably true; generally I’m a witch 100% of the time. Nevertheless, if you cut me off on the road, pass me an assignment or even leave me a benign voice mail, (as my mother used to tell me when my adolescent attitude was raring up,) “You’re cruisin' for a bruisin'.”

You Are NOT Jake Ryan

2007-04-13T11:57:00.000-05:00

Remember the cult classic movie Sixteen Candles? Sam ate carrots to get her boobs to grow, complained about having to ride the bus to school, and wished the most popular senior guy would dump his Prom Queen girlfriend for her (yeah, right). Jake Ryan was dangerously dreamy, did the hottest girl in school and drove that stellar red Porsche.

Doesn’t it remind you of 6^th grade sleepovers? Watching bad movies, playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board and falling asleep with your hand in the Doritos bowl? (Mmmm Doritos…) Focus, dammit!

Yeah, it was two decades ago when I last pined away for that imaginary hunk, so WHY is there a guy in my parking garage who still drives Jake Ryan’s red Porsche?

I’ve parked near it for over a week just hoping to catch a glimpse of this pathetic creature, and I finally saw him this morning. He was quite as lame as I pictured him: Middle-aged, FOakley’s tethered on a sunglass rope and a receding hairline which he tries to compensate for by allowing the back to grow just a touch too long (you’re picturing an elderly Steve Sanders, right? Good.)

A quick guess at his life story tells me this: his name is Chad and he’s recently divorced from his high school sweetheart who was cheating on him with her night school ethics professor. Since Chad has plunged back into the dating pool he has reverted back to what he last knew chicks to dig, which consists of Jake Ryan’s Porsche and the aforementioned ensemble, and likely includes acid-washed jeans on weekends.

For pity’s sake, Chad, I know you’re depressed but take a look around! Passers-by don’t ogle you because you look rad; it’s because you look like a moron!

I feel dreadful for Chad, really I do, but that surely won’t stop me from scribbling, “What’s happenin’ hot stuff?” into the dirt on his Porsche window.

An Ode to the Masters

2007-04-13T10:39:00.000-05:00

In listening to Dan Patrick's radio show yesterday I heard his schtick with Rick Reilly. Now, I am a fan of Reilly's pieces in SI (and am royally pissed that when you go to si.com you cannot read his pieces, and are given some video that is supposed to make up for it, note to SI, it doesn't), but I had no idea he was so bawdy!

On Dan's show Reilly was talking about the Masters and how Zach Johnson would likely be waiting tables at Olive Garden in 5 years. Dan's reaction (and mine) was to remind Reilly that Zach Johnson played on the Ryder cup, there are many worse golfers on the tour. Reilly was being a blowhard about how Zach is the same age as Tiger and Tiger has 11 more Majors than Zach, blah blah. So now we compare every golfer to the "Tiger standard"? What is that about?

Anyway, they move on to talking about how the Masters was kind of boring because there weren't any big game, risky shots, really. Dan used Retief Goosen as an example. His play on the 13th (a par 5) was very conservative. Dan argued he should have been going for it in two (like Tiger) instead of obviously playing it safe and going for par. That is when Reilly chimes in with "Yea, when I was in the writers' booth later, the "Sopranos" came on and I looked up and said 'Hey, that's the second Big P***y I've seen today!'"

Dan even seemed shocked that Reilly had said it on national radio and while I'm no prude, I always thought Reilly was this intelligent, funny, witty, even suave kind of guy, not the loud mouth, anything for a shock, bozo he was yesterday.

At least I didn't have to hear Keith Olbermann turn the focus of every conversation back to himself.

Go Team!

2007-04-12T22:28:00.000-05:00

So, in the interest of keeping things so fresh and so clean, I've invited a few of my sexier and more outspoken friends to contribute their own insights and perspectives to our little blog. Kara's first is just below, so feel free to comment and let us know what you think!

I'll be out of town for a couple of days - my brother-in-law is celebrating (heh, not so much celebrating as tolerating) his 30th birthday. I suppose I shouldn't poke fun at the chap, since I am a mere 10 months from joining him on the other side of the hill. So, the Mister and I will be packing up our two pooches and heading to sunny Rochester, NY, where the women are tanned, highlighted, bound in leather and surrounded by a cloud of Parliament smoke. Hey, don't get me wrong, it's great to get out of town for a few days, no matter the destination. I just wish we could go somewhere that isn't best known for the gravelly tone of it's female citizens' voices. Just imagine how Rachel Ray would sound after 25 packs of Camels and one too many $40 days, and you're there!

And, I'm off. Like a brown dress.

Abhorring Perfection

2007-04-12T19:28:00.000-05:00

Have you ever met someone that you’ve tried to hate but just can’t bring yourself to? I have. There is this gorgeous woman who works in my office who I try to hate on a regular basis. She’s tall and thin with lustrous blonde hair that probably smells like coconut just waiting to be sniffed by creepy male passers-by. She has perfect dimples, straight white teeth and clear blue doe-eyes. She dresses better than I do, hell, she dresses like a Connecticut housewife crossed with a NYC fashionista, and her hair is ALWAYS done. Perfectly.

Aside from her looks, she is smart, witty, and above all, sweet. She is nice to everyone, even the idiot people in the office that everyone else ignores and makes fun of. Just this afternoon I saw her chit-chatting with one of the dafter idiots and she was LAUGHING AT HIS JOKES! I have tried repeatedly to hate her, until I have to call her about an issue and she responds promptly with the most helpful information before wishing me a lovely day.

What is my point, you ask? Well, aside from ranting about her annoying perfection, I have come to the conclusion that she’s hiding some deep, dark secret. Maybe she has a third nipple, or her perfect hair is really a wig (that WOULD explain why it is always done to perfection… Although you can even see Tyra’s weave line and she’s got personal hairdressers on staff…) I thought briefly that maybe she has webbed feet, but I definitely remember staring at her perfectly painted piggies in the most amazing houndstooth peep-toes (for which I aimlessly scoured the internet even weeks after she wore them to absolutely no avail because I was too embarrassed to ask her where she got them.)

So no, I don’t hate her. I can’t bring myself to say even one mean word about her. I will smile and wave each and every time I see her, and wish her a lovely day in return. So what if I secretly imagine she’s a closet cokehead buried in debt from her nose-candy habit? It could be true. Maybe…

Randomness

2007-04-11T11:35:00.000-05:00

Ever have a day when you are just completely and utterly exhausted? A day when, no matter how much work you have to do, and how quickly a deadline might be creeping up on you, you can barely keep your eyes open long enough to register that you actually ARE at work, sitting in front of your computer? That's how I'm feeling today, and all I am able to really concentrate on is trying to figure out what in my cubicle would make a suitable pillow. Since our "company" moved to a new building and we were forced to give up our cozy offices in favor of teeny, supposedly more efficient cubicles, the option of a power nap has gone straight out the window. Not that I have a window, but you get where I'm coming from, right? Dang, I miss my old office. It was large, and quiet, and when I shut the door and turned off the light it became pitch-black. Back then, everyone would take power naps, 15 minutes here, 10 minutes there. It was a brief respite from the monotony of our daily work, and it helped us get through the tediousness of the rest of our day. Now? Now I can't close my eyes for 30 seconds without nervously tearing them back open and looking about, just in case someone saw me daring to take a break. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way working non-stop from 9 to 5. But actually getting a few minutes of legitimate shut-eye is out of the question. First of all, it's bright in here. Not outdoors bright, or even doctor's office bright...I'm talking surface of the sun bright. It's also cold and noisy, with an unidentifiable hum that is constantly operating somewhere on the floor. I have never found the source...although I'm nearly positive that it's the sound of souls dying. My cubicle is 8 feet by 4 feet, grey, and with surprisingly short walls that allow me to view the daily work habits of Mr. DJ, my asshole co-worker. One of these days I am going to post about Mr. DJ, when I have the time and energy. Right now I'll just say he's a total freakazoid, and leave it at that.

Anyway, back to my cubicle. Like I said, it's grey and drab, but I have attempted to perk the environment up with random McDonald's toys and black and white pictures I printed up on company paper. I have a little plaque that says,"ADVERSITY doesn't build character, it reveals it", which I thought was really deep and insightful the first few hundred times I looked at it. Not so much anymore, but it sure beats an empty fabric-covered wall. I also have a picture of my husband and me, back before I got a job with the government and my whole life was ahead of me, and I'm looking hot in it, so that picks me up a little. Underneath my desk is a pair of ratty slippers that I walk around in. It's really amusing to see the faces of my co-workers when they realize what the lime-green blobs covering my feet are. Without exception, they tell me,"Wow, I wish I could wear slippers at work", because apparently you need really big balls to make an attempt at comfort while trudging through eight hours of meaninglessness (I don't care if that's a word or not).

And here it is, almost 1 o'clock, and I am staring at a pile of paperwork, trying to psych myself up to work all the way through until 5. I wonder if my health insurance will cover a fake-suicide attempt...

Irrational Hatred

2007-04-07T08:27:00.000-05:00

We all have a seemingly unfounded hatred of one or more 'famous' people out there. I hate Fergie. You know who I mean. The chick who "sings" for the Black Eyed Peas - yes, that's the one. I don't know exactly why I despise her very existence, I just do. Her gyrating. Her wacky sense of style - or complete lack thereof. Her eyebrows, and that stupid piercing. The fact that Josh Duhamel seems to be enamoured by her blows my mind completely. Perhaps I can't stand her because she is famous. It's not as though she hasn't worked hard to get where she is. I mean, Kids Incorporated hasn't been on the air in, like, 20 years. And a meth addiction must be a bitch to get over. She must have clawed and fought her way to the top, and I guess I can respect that. But what does she do once she does get her big break? She makes horrible, grating, insulting-to-my-ears music. This is a 30-something year-old woman, not a teenager. Why, then, are her lyrics more juvenile than anything Britney Spears ever 'sang'? "My Humps"? Really? You have got to be kidding me. When the DJ dared to play that song in the middle of my wedding reception, I grabbed my gigantic dress and left the dancefloor - seriously, I walked out of my own wedding reception in protest, simply because the DJ felt it necessary to trash up what had been, up until that moment, quite a classy affair (if I do say so myself...which I do). What's even more insulting is that she doesn't have any 'humps' to speak of. This is a white chick we're talking about here. Her last name is Ferguson for crying out loud.

So, even after all that, I still can't put my finger on one single reason why Fergie grinds my last nerve. I can sit here all day, sifting through the thousands of little things about her that irk me to no end. Who's got the time, though? Isn't it more fun to just concentrate your rage on someone far, far away, with no real reason? Someone you'll never, ever meet? Yes, I dare say it is. So I will continue to foster my irrational hatred of Fergie, if only because it helps preserve my non-hatred of the people I meet in real life. Feel free to choose a celebrity of your own to loathe. Popular choices include Kirsten Dunst, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Sienna Miller. Go on, try it.

Feeling better already, huh?

Because work sucks...

2007-04-05T12:32:00.000-05:00

I am going to wax poetic about the Florida Gators. Yes, I'm still a girl.

My husband and I both graduated from the University of Florida (feel free to visit UF's website - it's linked at the left of the screen), and we both remain loyal fans of all things Gator. It's difficult to describe to someone who didn't attend a large public university like Florida, Michigan, Texas or OSU just exactly what it's like to be a part of something really big. Wait, I mean HUGE. 50,000 students huge. 2,500 acre campus huge. 96,000 seat football stadium huge. Even the cockroaches in Gainesville are gigantic, and seemingly immortal (that's another post). But what's really big is the collected pride that the millions of fans of these colleges and their sports teams feel each and every day of their lives. When someone says, "I bleed Maize and Blue", it's not just some cutesy phrase that gets tossed around lightly...they really mean it. And they live and die by the fortunes, and misfortunes, of their teams.

So, the Gators. The Gators are my team, and I love them. I love how I can be in a terrible mood, surrounded by piles of meaningless work, and at my wits end thanks to the stupidity of one co-worker (oooh, that would be yet another post), only to read on ESPN.com that Gators basketball coach Billy Donovan has decided to remain at Florida instead of even entertaining an offer from archrival Kentucky, and instantly feel positively giddy. I get chills when I hear about the amazing, historic accomplishments of the Gator basketball and football teams over the past year, and I get choked up thinking of how much I miss the environment surrounding UF. There is a brief period in each of our lives, when we're at just the right age, when we're in just the right place, and we're surrounded by just the right people, when we come close to touching perfection.

For me, it was the years I spent in Gainesville.

Apparently, I have a masculine 'voice'...

2007-04-05T09:07:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm...this is puzzling, because I have been described as many things, but never as 'masculine'. I have been informed, though, that my computer "voice", or blogging style, is "decidedly masculine". The person who informed me of this misspelled 'masculine', but I won't dwell on that..not today anyway :). Anyhoodles, I suppose now's the time to make an ultra-feminine post, something that will prove to the world that I am, as Mike Myers so eloquently stated in So I Married An Axe Murderer, a WOOOOOOOOOOOOman!

I cry at the drop of a hat. Seriously, I cry at almost anything that could be described as even remotely sentimental. I cry at old men playing chess and little babies laughing. I cry when I see a zebra being mauled by a pair of lionesses. I cry, on cue, ANY time the music swells during a movie or television show, especially that goddamn Steel Magnolias. Movie TRAILERS make me cry, for Pete's sake! I cry when I think of high school, when I hear that stupid Bonnie Raitt song (you know the one), and every time 'One Shining Moment' is played at the end of the NCAA Basketball Tournament. A cool breeze, dolphins, and the smell of the ocean can make me tear up. I cry each and every time I laugh, no matter how hard I happen to be laughing, or how un-funny the moment actually turns out to be. I get choked up whenever a montage of ANYTHING is playing before me on my television -shoot, I can feel my eyes well up as soon as Jimmy Roberts appears to introduce a montage on NBC Sports. The Olympics make me bawl, so do jet flyovers at sporting events and orphaned puppies. I cry for legitimate reasons, too, like when a loved one dies or tragedy strikes - but everyone feels like letting go of a few tears then, so that wouldn't really add to my girlyness factor.

Excuse me...I just pictured my husband sleeping, and now I need a tissue....

Ok, back. Here are a few other things about me that would HAVE to make you think I've got ladyparts down there:

-I have a list, and only men are on it. #1 is Wentworth Miller (see above....and kindly step off). My husband says he would step aside without protest if Wenty should show up at my doorstep. I'm still waiting, but I have faith.

-I like to drink girly drinks, like Kir Royales, Cosmos, and Amstel Lights.

-I am obsessed with lip products, and currently have two lip balms, a lip gloss and a lipstick jostling around in my PURSE.

-I hate my hair.

-I wear shoes that are uncomfortable.

-I crave chocolate and pray for someone to just give me one good reason every 28 days.

-I am writing a freakin' novel about my feminine qualities because another chick mentioned, in passing, that I might have an inkling of masculinity about my blogging style. If that doesn't prove that I'm a girl, nothing else could.

In honor of my friend the Wizbian...

2007-04-05T06:38:00.000-05:00

First of all, I must get this out of the way before I begin my rant: I do NOT watch American Idol. I did watch one season, it might have been the second or third one, and I can honestly say I remember none of it. A very good thing for my brain, as far as very good things go.

So, why am I so pissed off about this Sanjaya kid? Is it because I can't shuffle my way to my living room couch, fumble with the remote, and squint at the TV in hopes of seeing a weensy wittle bit of Matt Lauer without getting slapped in the face with AI 'news'? Instead of a tidbit of useless information to get my day started or the wave of joy I feel upon hearing Chris Hansen's voice, I have Mo Rocca and some flunkie from TV Guide doing their damndest to explain the why, god, whys behind Sanjaya's, um, success (?). This is not news! It is not news that this kid cannot sing a note - like I said before I DON'T (I swear!) watch this dreck, but anyone with a computer or television set has been subjected to at least a snippet of Sanjaya's vocal poison. And it's not news that Howard Stern has launched a campaign to bring about the demise of the ratings behemoth that is AI by urging his minions to vote for this no-talent hack. SO, why does Ann Curry care so much? Why is Al Roker asking the fans outside Rockefeller Center what THEY think about Sanjaya's longevity? There has GOT to be something else they can talk about, something important, something riveting.

American Idol IS news, you say? You ARE riveted?

Oh, ok then.

So..this is blogging...

2007-04-04T19:40:00.000-05:00

I can't say I ever thought I'd start my own blog, yet here I am, and it took suprisingly less goading than even I would have expected. My brain is rather fried at the moment, so I can't quite be certain that I am making any sense...but I'm going to give it a go, and hopefully kill a little time before LOST comes on....maybe tomorrow I'll post about how awful tonight's episode turned out to be.

So, the other day I was reading that a SpeedRacer movie is in the works. Seriously? Have we really reached a point where creativity and originality have died, been crumpled up and then dropped into the recycling bin? It seems as though every new film these days is a re-make, a re-worked television show, or a live-action version of a cheesy cartoon from the '70s. Think about it: Bewitched (sucked), War of The Worlds (crap), The Dukes of Hazzard (garbage), Charlotte's Web (why?). There is a Transformers movie opening in July, and Jessica Simpson is starring in a re-make of Working Girl. I am not kidding. Somewhere in Hollywood, right now, there is a screenwriter lazily updating "Family Ties" for the big screen. No joke, watch for that movie, it has to come out eventually. I wonder who will play Alex P. Keaton.

Probably Kieran Culkin.