Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Ice Cream Man

I swear to GOD I have super-sonic hearing for the Ice Cream Man, ONLY. (Yes, I know I’m 25, thankyouverymuch.) He doesn't come to our house, but when we're at my husband's parents' house I can hear it from like three streets over when I'm INSIDE and even further away when we're outside. His brother and I do the "steal money from Mom's purse" scramble and wait outside like a bunch of morons with no shoes on for 15 minutes until the Ice Cream Man makes his way past all the stupid kids who can't decide what they want. GOD. Just get your stupid baseball-glove-on-a-stick-with-bubblegum-baseball-center pop and get OUT OF MY WAY!!! Ooh… Now I want a chocolate ├ęclair…

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

It was supposed to be about my sister…

Prologue

I spent this past weekend in Rhode Island where my sister graduated from URI. Saturday was uneventful; we arrived, shopped, had dinner, walked along the beach and pooped out way too early.


Act I: The Fight

Sunday was the actual graduation. We got there early to get good seats and succeeded. The ceremony was filled with people jumping in front of others to get pictures of their kids, which is understandable.

Right before my sister was about to walk, some woman jumped in front of my seat and stood with her huge buttocks in my face. I waited until the last possible second, and then jumped up to get in front of her to get a picture of my sister. That’s when the Big-Bummed-Woman (BBW) started yelling at me:

BBW: “Come on, I can’t see!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I had to move because you were standing RIGHT in front of me.”

BBW: “I was not, you’re full of it!”

Mom: “ACTUALLY, you were, she was sitting right here.” (Pointing at chair practically underneath BBW.)

At this point everyone within a 20 foot radius was watching us, not the ceremony. I crouched down so as not to block the views of others until I had to snap the pictures of my sister. WHILE I was taking said pictures, BBW started again…

BBW: “COME ON, this is ridiculous!”

Me: “You’re not the only one here with a child graduating, you know.”

Crowd: Cheers

BBW turned and walked away as I returned to my seat where my mother grabbed my arm.

Mom: “No fights, Kara, no fights, calm down, no fights please.”

Me: “What? I’m fine; I’m not going to fight that moron.”

Cousin: “I thought you were going to run her down when she called you a bitch!”

Me: “Um, WHAT? When did she call me a bitch?”

Mom: “When she was walking away, that’s why I grabbed your arm; I thought you were going to hit her…”

Me: “Well I would’ve hit her if I had heard that!”

My Husband: “Oh Jesus…”

Later in the Ladies Room a woman commented to my mother that she saw the whole thing, and that, “Some people are real pips.” We saw BBW on the way out where she was chain smoking and yelling at an elderly woman. I just smiled and waved at her and wished her a lovely afternoon. Yes, I’m evil.

Act II: The Drinking

Disclaimer: I rarely drink causing me to have a VERY low tolerance and to get sick frequently.

The night is mostly a blur, but it contains the following: Me mixing drinks for us; 45 minutes on YouTube watching ‘80’s cartoon intros (Thunder, THUNDER, THUNDERCATS!!!); a brief dance party and a video of me bringing sexy back (no, I’m not posting that); a fashion show; shots at the bar; texting pictures of someone’s boobs; peeing a LOT; drunk dialing Porter and Kolby repeatedly (sorry, guys); introducing my sister to the pizza guys, Mike & Steve; playing Pac-Man; another brief dance party; stepping on my sister’s laptop and cracking her screen; slipping and twisting my ankle; attempting to take out my contacts, failing and ending up with my sister’s finger in my eye; and throwing up a few times before passing out.

I woke up Monday morning with a very sore ankle (which is still bruised and causing me to limp) and a VERY weak stomach. On the night that I should’ve been babysitting my drunk sister, she ended up babysitting drunk me. Now I owe her a new laptop screen and a kick-ass graduation party where I will be getting her wasted, and abstaining from the drink myself.

Epilogue

I know people say this all the time, but I’m never drinking again. Ever. Seriously. Now please excuse me, I have to go ice my ankle.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Oh allergies, how you plague me...

Albany, NY is only number 88 on the AAFA’s Spring 2007 “100 most challenging places to live with allergies” list, but it’s still pretty bad here. I guess the fact that I don’t normally have allergies and I’m still suffering says something. I’ve tried various medications to correct it, but nothing seems to be working.


Tylenol: No help whatsoever.

Sudafed: I’m sorry, did I just drop acid?

Benadryl: May as well be a tranquilizer dart, it makes me fall asleep so fast.

Claritin: Ambien incarnate, even the non-drowsy formula.

Zyrtec: Again with the sleepies.

Alavert: Um, this is exactly the same medicine as Claritin, WHY did you prescribe it to me when I told you I wouldn’t take Claritin because it makes me pass out? Honestly… What a waste of a $20 copay.

Allegra: “Upset stomach, menstrual cramps, back pain, cough, fever, stuffy nose, earache or dizziness may occur.” Um… No thanks…

Clarinex: “Throat discomfort, muscle pain, nausea, indigestion, loss of appetite, diarrhea, dizziness, fatigue, trouble sleeping, nosebleeds, or dry mouth may occur.” I think I prefer the sneezing…


So basically, I’m going to continue sneezing, itching and throbbing until Spring is over, because even though allergy meds are a multi-billion dollar industry, they can’t make something simple to make me stop sneezing without passing out or alternately having PMS. As most women would, I’m sure: I’ll take the sneezing over the ovary hockey any day.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

I love my "gas-efficient" Honda Fit

I recently bought a Honda Fit, which was no easy task, and no, I'm not referring to overbearing car dealers. A search within a 500-mile radius of my home revealed ONE Honda Fit in the absolutely adorable "lunar mist" color. It is a delightful combination of icy blue and silver and is so perfect it is like Honda read my mind. All of the seats fold down flat and the rear seats fold up so you can fit a plant or tall object in as well. It gets a gas-sipping 38 MPG and is so tiny and cute, although my husband refuses to call it "cute" as that is so very un-manly, to him, it is "gas-efficient." For all you men out there, remember, you can use whatever euphemism you want, but your wife, sister, mother, and any other woman will be squealing at this adorably cute vehicle.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Whoa, cool!

Around 15 minutes ago I decided that I was hungry, but not hungry for lunch, just something crappy to snack on between lunch and breakfast. I debated between a brownie and a bowl of Froot Loops, and Shrek’s happy green ogre face enticed me to choose the Froot Loops.

Upon opening the colorfully crappy cereal, I discovered the toy on TOP of bag (which kind of takes the fun out of it…) and actually screamed, “Whoa, Cool!” People, I’m 25 years old. Yes, I’m eating Froot Loops, but should I really be that excited about the Shrek Ear Clip Knight Light?

Upon further contemplation, I realized that I may actually be able to use this thing… It’s a little flashlight that clips onto your ear like a Bluetooth earpiece. Maybe I can use it at night when I take the dog out so I don’t have to lug around the one GIANT flashlight that works out of the ten we have…

So I went further into my madness over this toy and tested it. I went into my darkened bedroom, clipped this thing on my ear and turned it on… and couldn’t see past my own nose. This is what happens when an adult gets excited over a cereal toy.

Oh well, at least the Froot Loops are still delicious.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Spring, thou hast forsaken thee

My two favorite seasons are Fall and Spring. There is something about those tween seasons where the weather is either just warm enough to leave the house without a jacket or just crisp enough to require a cardigan. Unfortunately, it seems to have skipped Spring this year in the South.

It was hovering in the 50's just a few weeks ago, tantalizing me with promises of those 60 and 70 degree days that are pure bliss before the stifling 100 degree days. And now, we have jumped from the 50's all the way beyond 60 and 70 to the high 80's, it may even reach 90 degrees this week. This weather makes me wilt and want to move to Alaska, and no one likes a wilting flower on the first of May.

Short, sweet and to the point.

In the form of an e-mail conversation.

Lisa: Everyone is wearing sandals, thoughts?

Kara: It's not even that warm...

Lisa: I know!! No stockings? Go for it. Peep toes? Sure. But, sandals!?!?

Kara: Way premature. I get it, you're excited it's sunny, but keep your wits about you. If you still have to wear a jacket, it's too cold for sandals.

Lisa: I wholeheartedly agree.



Fin.